You Are Light. You Illuminate Your World.

There is a beautiful river right outside our home in Scotland. Every time when I see it or hear its bubbling song, I feel so thankful to be alive to enjoy it.

That life is a miracle.

You see, on one dark and drama-tic night 20 years ago, storms were raging furiously in my head and my heart was achingly so painfully.

I was seated on the floor and had been crying mindlessly for hours.

I had a knife on my wrist.

I can’t remember how long I sat there.

But I do remember my inner voice trying to speak up in the howling noise.

Breathe and wait for the storms to pass.
It will pass.
Tomorrow, the sun will rise.
New day. New beginnings.
You never know how your life will change.
He’s not worth it.
You have already survived through worst pain.
One day, you can encourage others to choose life.
Think how heartbroken your parents and grandmas will be?
You are scared of blood.

That whisper soon became louder and bolder.

I dropped the knife and sat there.

Decided to embrace the chemical storms in my head instead of being afraid of it.
Releasing any shame and self-blame for being suicidal.
Just sitting with it and breathing.

Soon the storms passed.

By choosing to live, I gave myself the opportunity to create new wonders and miracles in my life.

To manifest the life that I am enjoying now.

Julie Bentley, CEO of Samaritans, said “One in five of us will struggle with suicidal thoughts in our lifetime but many people face this struggle in silence”.

I agree.

Most people are generally still reluctant to share for various reasons. I can understand that.

Through this week’s Sunshine Inbox, I hope that:

If you ever experience similar storms in your head, please choose to give life a chance each time.
In Singapore, you can call Samaritans of Singapore 24-hour hotline: 1767 or text 9151 1767. If you like to speak with a psychologist or counsellor, you can reach out to our fellow club member Dr Sunita Rai and her team at Holistic Psychotherapy Centre at 66318446.
If your friend or family member confides in you, hold space for them instead of dismissing their concerns. Let them share with you and suggests they get professional support because their life is precious and a miracle.

Surrender not to death.

Surrender to seeking support to live.

Your life is a miracle.

You can change your life.

You are light.

You illuminate your world even if you can’t see it yet.

If one has courage, nothing can dim the light which shines from within.
Maya Angelou

Your Life is a Miracle.

Reflection

Do you see yourself as a miracle? Why or why not?
What are some significant events in your life that you aren’t happy about or feel ashamed about?
How can each event be viewed as a miracle?

Action

When you are feeling down, which is your go-crazy time?

Nights and weekends were always the hardest when I went through dark nights.

Each time when the storm in my brain hits, I:

reached out for food which creates a vicious unhealthy binge cycle for me that made me feel worse.
had long crying bouts of self-pity intermingled with blame and anger.
cancelled appointments and become a recluse which added to feelings of isolation.
took non-healthy actions eg accepting dates with non-suitable men.
talked and talked to friends about my problems.
entertained suicidal thoughts.

I was so afraid of the chaotic storms in my head that it severely undermined who I was. Being caught in such chaotic head storms is scary. Fears that the pain will never end. Also ashamed that I wasn’t stronger.

But by accepting the storms in my head with no shame provided me the needed serenity in eye of the storm. Knowing no storms last forever.

Being aware of my go-crazy times meant that when I felt down, I ensured that I avoid isolating myself at home. Instead, I will visit my family or go out with friends even when I do not feel like it.

What about you? What support can you surround yourself with to ensure serenity when a storm hits?

Practice for the Week

For this week, let us increase our awareness of the wonders in our life. Each day observe and notice any wonders that occurred. Write it down. At the end of the week, read through the list you have compiled.