I used to be a People Pleaser.

This addictive & damaging behaviour showed up in ways such as:

I also had a limiting notion of what being nice means.

That if I was nice, I will make others happy which ties in with my need to be a people pleaser.

Possibly also driven by my deep-rooted desire to be liked.

It was liberating when I called out my people pleasing tendency and changed my limiting notions of what being nice meant.

It gave me the courage to walk out of toxic relationships, change my life around and also build a business that is healthy for me by not accepting aggressive clients.

I realised that I was not alone.

Here are some examples from my 1-1 clients on how limiting notions of what nice means have cost them:

How about this example that a friend of mine shared with me about her late brother-in-law who died of a sudden heart attack. The family suspected that it was due to worries about cash flow issues in his business. When his widow was settling his matters, she realized that he had clients who owed him a lot of money. He was such a nice guy that he felt bad chasing his clients.

It is time for us to pause and reflect on what ‘being nice’ means to you.

Take the example of Mona which I shared in my book Freedom Embraced. When she came to see me, she had not slept well for weeks and was feeling highly stressed. One of her colleagues had resigned several months ago and Mona had taken on her duties in the interim period till management found someone. She now had to report to two managers and both managers often directed her to complete his/her tasks first as they were priority. As a result, Mona had to bring work home and even worked through her weekends. The managers eventually decided not to hire someone to replace the colleague who left. Mona shared that she intended to resign.

When I asked Mona if she had brought her concerns up to her managers or said no to bringing work home, she said she had not, as it was difficult to do so.

Mona is not alone in this. Most employees find giving upward feedback challenging due to different factors such as their temperaments, fear of being blacklisted, sense of hopelessness and so on.

We both paused for a while, and then I commented, ‘It feels like you might have to stop being a doormat.’

Mona is the type of colleague you would love having on your team. She is conscientious, super helpful and highly accommodating. Because of her reluctance to speak up or provide feedback, it might be easy for some colleagues – or in her case, her managers – to take advantage of that, either intentionally or unknowingly. After a further chat, she concluded that since she was already intending to quit, it might be worth it (and not so scary) to have a conversation with her managers. Indeed.

We discussed a conversation model that she could use and did a role-play so she became more comfortable with it.

When I next checked in with her, she shared that the conversation had gone really well. They gave her a raise and were in the process of hiring someone too. She also got them to prioritise the work load, and she has stopped bringing work home.

Having the courage to stop being a doormat can ease some of the tensions that you may be experiencing at the workplace or in your personal life. Being assertive is not the same as being aggressive. You can set boundaries and be professional in communicating them to your colleagues.

For Mona, she realised that she can be nice and still be assertive.