“If you know the disgusting me, you would not even want to be my friend.”

That friend had requested for a chat with me as he was feeling down, confused and out of sorts.

When we met up, he looked super uncomfortable and it took a lot of cajoling on my end before he uttered the above sentence.

That meeting happened more than 20 years ago yet I still remember that sentence clearly.

My friend is a super sweet person who is always helpful, respectful and kind. He never rejects any request from anyone. That’s why his statement surprised and intrigued me.

I cannot remember my reply but it must have given him comfort and the safe space to open up. The story unfolded.

He has been struggling for a while and did not like who he is because he enjoyed reading and watching pornography. Because of his religious affiliation which frowns on pornography, it affected his mindset “I am a sinner” and also his social confidence “if people know how disgusting I am, they wouldn’t like me”. He also didn’t like himself that much too.

It was his inner demon or shadow self.

The concept of the “shadow self” comes from analytical psychology, originally introduced by Carl Jung. It refers to the unconscious part of our personality that contains repressed weaknesses, desires, instincts, and shortcomings.

It is the side of us that we might not be proud of and often prefer to keep hidden from ourselves and others either in our personal or professional lives.

Your shadow self may show up in small or big ways.

One example was when I first met my good friend Marilyn from Scotland. At that time, I was providing therapy sessions for well-being. She had found my contact through the organisation website I was affiliated with and emailed me requesting for a session during her trip to Singapore.

We arranged a time and date for the session. She did not know it then but she was my first paid client and I was super apprehensive.

I turned up for the appointment smartly (and uncomfortably) dressed with butterflies in my stomach. Then I found out, to my horror, that she has a “Dr” prefixed to her name and that she has friends who have been in similar therapy field for years.

Externally, I smiled but inside, the butterflies became worms. If that was not enough, she was in the pinkest of health and she wanted a session just to experience what the therapy feels like. There was no opportunity to wow her because she had no serious ailments!

I was very uncomfortable and felt intimidated. My sessions usually last from 40 minutes to an hour but for her session, I stretched it to 1 ½ hours, just in case.

If you have the opportunity to meet my late friend Marilyn, you will be bowled over by her warmth, kindness, and exuberance. It was certainly not her who intimidated me but myself. I allowed my self-doubts to creep in. Externally, I smiled and was confident. Internally, I was quivering and did not fully enjoy the session.

When we became friends, I decided to share that side of me with her. I discovered that she enjoyed herself and benefited from the session. The self-doubts were mine alone.

It was the Imposter Syndrome at work (we spoke about that last week) and also on a deeper level, I felt conflicted by my perceived inner demons.

At that time, I was still struggling on and off with depression and also felt ashamed of my behaviours and actions in a previous toxic relationship which ended badly.

I felt I was not a good person so how can I be a good therapist.

Just like my friend in the first story who felt less worthy as a person.

Or a father who attended a workshop I facilitated for fathers with children who have cerebral palsy. During a sharing session, this father suddenly burst into tears and said: “I know it is bad of me but every day, I pray that my son will die before me. Otherwise, who is going to look after him.” We learnt that it is the first time he was able to share how he truly feels, and to his surprise, other fathers present also uttered same sentiments.

Other shadow selves I have met in my Flourish 1-1 sessions with clients:

There is no one answer to addressing your shadow self.

What I did learn is that when we are able to look at that shadow with compassion and love, it allows us to surface the shadow to the light.

For me, I accepted that I had done actions that I weren’t proud of and released the shame to light. Instead, I embrace those learning moments and share them with others.

For my friend, if I remember rightly, he shared that he felt relieved that he had someone to finally confide in. I cannot recall what was the action or decision he arrived at. But I am glad he had the opportunity to bring his shadow self to light.

Suppressing our shadow self is a heavy burden and a power leakage. By acknowledging and understanding our shadow, we can better understand our true selves.

If your shadow is crippling your ability to flourish, be successful and/ or be happy, do reach out for professional support. Drop me a message and I can pass you professional contacts in my network. You need not live in darkness.