In today’s Sunshine Inbox, I like to share with you something I learnt which has been super beneficial in understanding myself, my relationships and my sexuality.

Sexual intimacy is one topic that will benefit from discussions and certainly contribute to the good life between couples. If discussing it is uncomfortable for you, please skip this inbox.

When I was changing my life, I consistently asked people for recommendations of good books. David Deida’s name popped up.  The Way of the Superior Man: A Spiritual Guide to Mastering the Challenges of Women, Work, and Sexual Desire, Dear Lover: A Woman’s Guide to Enjoying Love’s Deepest Bliss and Blue Truth: A Spiritual Guide to Life & Death and Love & Sex were some of his books that popped up.

Reeling from broken relationships, I wanted a glimpse of the masculine psyche as presented by him so that I can better understand men. 😊 As such, I started off with the first book.

Many Aha moments that helped me to better embrace who I am.

Two key realisations:

1. Your sexual essence is your sexual core

It was the first time I came across the terms Masculine, Feminine and Balanced sexual core. Deida shares that:

“Each of us, man or woman, possesses both inner masculine and inner feminine qualities. About 90 percent of people have either a more masculine or a more feminine sexual essence. The balance 10 percent of people, men and women, heterosexual and homosexual, have a more balanced essence. Your sexual essence is your sexual core.

If you have a more masculine sexual essence, you would, of course, enjoy staying home and playing with the kids, but deep down, you are driven by a sense of mission. You may not know your mission, but unless you discover this deep purpose and live it fully, your life will feel empty at its core, even if your intimate relationship and family life are full of love.

If you have a more feminine sexual essence, your professional life may be incredibly successful, but your core won’t be fulfilled unless love is flowing fully in your family or intimate life.

The “mission” or the search for freedom is the priority of the masculine, whereas the search for love is the priority of the feminine. This is why people with masculine essences would rather watch a football game or boxing match on TV than a love story. Sports are all about achieving freedom, such as by breaking free of your opponent’s tackle or barrage of punches, and about succeeding at your mission, by carrying the ball into the end zone or remaining standing after ten rounds.

For the masculine, mission, competition, and putting it all on the line (indeed, facing death), are all forms of ecstasy. Witness the masculine popularity of war stories, dangerous heroism, and sports playoffs.

But, for the feminine, the search for love touches the core. Whether on soap operas, in love stories, or talking with friends about relationships, the desire for love is what appears in feminine forms of entertainment.

The feminine wants to be filled with love, and if the bliss of real love is not forthcoming, chocolate and ice cream-or a good romantic drama—will do. The masculine wants to feel the bliss of a life lived at the edge, and if he doesn’t have the balls to do it himself, he’ll watch it on TV, in sporting events and cop shows.

For those with balanced essence, boxing matches and love stories equally make them emotional, or not. It doesn’t really matter to them whether their lover is physically stronger or more vulnerable than them. Sexual polarity just isn’t that important to them in relationships anyway.”

From a young age of 9 years old, I was searching for my Prince Charming. Academic accolades and career weren’t as important to me as finding love and being loved. Relationships were also very important to me.

When I met my first boyfriend, my feminine self was attracted to his seemingly masculine self. Yet in our dating and married life, I found myself becoming the man of the house – taking care of all decisions including the bills etc. I soon started dressing more and more like a man: jeans and t-shirts. Also cut my hair real short. While I was doing purposeful work in the non-profit sector and super great at it, I felt unhappy and unfulfilled.

When I finally left the marriage, one of the first things I did was a makeover: I grew my hair long & rebonded it, lost weight and started dressing up more. I also continued being a love optimist.

Reading Deida’s book made me realised that I was reclaiming my natural feminine essence and core. I also saw that my ex-hubby’s core was actually a feminine one. His masculine persona was a fake one.

As we have both similar sexual cores, it wasn’t surprising that the passion fizzled out early on in the relationship. Which brings me to the next realisation.

2. Sexual attraction is based on sexual polarity

He shares that:

“Sexual attraction is based on sexual polarity, which is the force of passion that arcs between masculine and feminine poles. All natural forces flow between two poles. The North and South Poles of the Earth create a force of magnetism. The positive and negative poles of your electrical outlet or car battery create an electrical flow. In the same way, masculine and feminine poles between people create the flow of sexual feeling. This is sexual polarity. This force of attraction, which flows between the two different poles of masculine and feminine, is the dynamism that often disappears in modern relationships. If you want real passion, you need a ravisher and a ravishee; otherwise, you just have two buddies who decide to rub genitals in bed.

The bottom line of today’s newly emerging 50/50, or “second stage,” relationship is this: If men and women are clinging to a politically correct sameness even in moments of intimacy, then sexual attraction disappears. The love may still be strong, the friendship may still be strong, but the sexual polarity fades, unless in moments of intimacy one partner is willing to play the masculine pole and one partner is willing to play the feminine. You have to animate the masculine and feminine differences if you want to play in the field of sexual passion. This is true in homosexual as well as heterosexual relationships.

It is up to you: You can have a loving friendship between two similars, but you need a more masculine and a more feminine partner in the moments when you want strong sexual polarity.

It doesn’t matter if both partners are men or both are women. It doesn’t matter if, in a heterosexual relationship, the man plays the feminine pole and the woman plays the masculine pole. It doesn’t matter if you change who plays the masculine pole and who plays the feminine pole. For sexual polarity, you need an energetic polarity, an attractive difference between masculine and feminine. You don’t need this difference for love, but you do need it for ongoing sexual passion.”

Sexual intimacy is an essential ingredient for a healthy relationship. Unfortunately, that’s a concept rather than a reality for most couples including ours. ☹️

Besides misalignment of relationship values (I will share more about this in future Sunshine Inbox) and differing belief systems which caused the relationship breakdown, I now understand why there was also a breakdown in our sexual intimacy.

There was no ongoing sexual passion because we are both similars.

It’s only after my divorce that I awaken and embrace the fact that I absolutely enjoy sexual intimacy and that I need not have to compromise on that!

Sure, there are other ingredients needed for a healthy relationship – communication, trust, similar values etc – but for me, sexual intimacy is equally important too.

No more “platonic” type of relationships for me. The sexual chemistry and desire must be present first and then we can build on the rest to further strengthen the relationship.

A compatible partner will be one who has a masculine core.

I am delighted to share that my current partner is one who has a strong masculine core. My understanding of the masculine core also allows me to recognise that having purpose is important to him. Focusing on just our relationship is not enough. That’s why I support his passion for supporting charitable and meaningful causes, his love for cars and motorbikes and all the other activities that make him feel alive. I also learnt to let him take care of me.

When we first started dating, he commented one evening that he was attracted to my femininity and my nurturing self. I was certainly glad that I had reclaimed my true feminine core when we met or perhaps, the attraction would not be present.

If you are curious to find out more about it, do check out his books.

At the centre of your being
you have the answer;
you know who you are
and you know what you want.

– Lao Tzu